Ab-Original Thoughts

She moves me

2011-03-21T16:43:00.002-05:00

She moves me like a breath of wind
Gently caressing a sea of grass
I move easily, gracefully bending to her slightest touch

She moves me like the mighty ocean
Ceaselessly, gradually altering the shore
I change interminably, gradually bending to her powerful embrace

She moves me as the torrent of a summer storm
Instantly washing away the accumulated debris
I am cleansed immutably, suddenly swooning from the release

She moves me like a starlit sky
Shimmering jewels on a backdrop of pitch
I am dumbstruck, meekly thanking the Maker of such wonders

She moves me like no other, enriching my very soul.

time

2011-03-07T22:13:00.001-06:00

Time passes slowly
Ebbing, oozing, crawling so immeasurably
Forward

Its snail-like pace mocks me and my desires
Can’t it see? I know where it is I must go.
I finally understand what it is that I want; that I need
So desperately.

Hurry now, before it’s too late, before this
Wondrous thing slips through my grasp

Ah, but Time knows no master, no mistress
It sets its own pace, its own schedule
It may hurry, speeding bullet like
Hurtling down a rock strewn path
Not knowing at what point it might trip & fall
Cartwheeling, tumbling head over heels

At others it merely creeps, dawdling, meandering
Like an old couple, hand-in-hand, strolling down
A leafy lane. No hurry. No worries. Just time.

2011-01-30T10:56:00.000-06:00

Pale, cold moon
Stares mockingly,
Seems almost to laugh
A mirthless, hollow chortle

He knows, that nearly round orb,
Something I don’t yet fathom
The mysteries of life yet to be unlocked
The secrets kept

But he won’t tell me,
No matter how often he’s asked
What, when, how it will be.
He merely stares. And,laughs.

And, slowly, wearily slips below the horizon
Out of view. Another night’s work finished.
Another day to contemplate
What, when, how it will be.

Memories

2011-01-07T10:02:00.001-06:00

Memories, subtle notes played upon the senses
Vividly reviving images, feelings, words
A scent, a sound, a song conveys me instantly
Back to the place, the person, the love
I ache for

2010-12-06T09:22:00.001-06:00

Longing. Yearning. Wishing. Hoping. I’d guess that there’s not a soul in the world who hasn’t experienced these feelings. To literally ache for something you can’t have, for something that can’t be. It’s tortuous - exponentially worse if that something is just beyond your grasp. Worse still if it’s tantalizingly within reach…but, for other reasons remains unattainable.

I’ve learned an indeterminable number of things about myself (and about the world in general, about relationships) over the course of the last 2 and a half years. I’ve learned the immeasurable value of true friendship. I’ve learned that the various & sundry details of these relationships, indeed of our very lives are what makes life truly worthy of living. It’s been said that the Devil’s in the details. While that may be true, it’s even more accurate to say that LIFE is in the details, the seemingly meaningless minutiae that, when taken as a whole, give so much meaning to our lives. Sure, don’t sweat the small stuff, but it’s the little things in life that can have the most meaning, the biggest impact on us. I guess, for me, life is about balance. Each of us must determine what that balance is. Take the good with the bad - for the bad makes the good all the greater. Never overlook the value of the smallest detail, but try to always remain aware of the larger picture.
So, as I hunger for that which I cannot (for the moment) attain, I will continue to relish, to cherish those things that I can.

2010-05-23T23:33:00.004-05:00

Lost. I’m as lost as lost can be. Empty. Hollow. I feel as if there’s little chance of being happy - happy, as in a happy couple - again. In the absence of my “other half”, I’m less than half the man I was. How on earth did I get here? How on earth can I keep going? Day after day. The endless emptiness stretching before me like an immeasurable length of desert highway. Not another soul in sight. I can’t do this. How can ANYONE do this? The person to whom I tethered my heart & soul, in whom I invested my love, has…changed her mind. Has decided, no, this is not what she wanted. Sorry. I’m not “in love” with you any longer. I feel like the last guy standing in a game of musical chairs. Only in this game you have to leave your heart & a portion of your soul as a penalty. A penalty for what? For being an asshole? Perhaps. Without a doubt, I should pay a penalty. A penance. But, this…this seems far too heavy a price.

It’s not right. Not fair. Oh, I know, life’s chock full of injustice. But, it seems to me that simply walking away from a relationship should be out of bounds. There should be certain rules. You don’t just walk away without trying - TOGETHER - to see if you can revive it, to retrieve it from the abyss. But, alas, it seems my definition of what’s fair doesn’t jibe with hers. And I’m the one left alone in an empty room, looking for a chair.

How does one lose their way? How is it that a person can be living life, making a home, working a job, raising a family, only to wake up one day & ask: who am I? Is this really who I am? I’m not certain I understand how this phenomenon comes to be. It seems to me - speaking personally, of course - that we’d deliberately, jointly chosen the type of life we were living. We decided to get married. We decided to start a family. We decided where we would live. These were deliberate, conscious decisions arrived at rationally and mutually. And, yet, here we are. Living separately for a year & a half now. Why? What happened? I’m sure that, as is the case with most things, it was not merely one solitary event, but a combination of things - both large & small - that led us here. But, have we become so selfish in our outlook, in our pursuit of whatever it is that makes us - individually - happy that we’ve discarded any thought of the common good, of the value of a relationship. Have we devolved to that which we likely were in the beginning? A purely self-serving, self-absorbed being?

It would seem in many ways that this is indeed the case, though I would submit that it goes beyond the individual - we (as a society) have largely become much more focused on our own situations, our own wants, needs, desires. All but gone is the sense of collective purpose, of common good. One primary reason is the ease of it all. It’s easier to look the other way, to not get involved, to disparage, to hate. The base elements of our human nature are - have always been - the simplest to follow. It requires far more conscious effort to do what’s right. Not what’s politically correct or expedient, but what’s right. Alas, so very many of us have lost our moral compass and in doing so have assuredly lost our way.

So, here I sit. Alone in an empty house, no longer a “home”. Praying fervently every day for redemption, reconciliation, recovery. The pain is immeasurable. My tears counted by no one other than myself, and I’ve long ago lost track. But, I try to move forward, one minuscule tottering step at a time. Trying not to do the easy thing. Trying to do what’s right.

2009-04-24T13:59:00.001-05:00

So, why is it that we all can’t get along? Are we too aggressive? Too self-absorbed? Too greedy? Too lazy? Too afraid to stand up for what we all know - deep down in the depths of our souls - to be the right thing? A dear friend of mine & I were delving into this dicey subject the other day. His assessment, and I have to admit that I tend to concur, was that we human beings, particularly we Americans, are too soaked in the violent culture of the latter half of the 20th century to ever view peaceful coexistence as an attractive option. There has been a near constant increase in the amount of violence with which we are comfortable. It permeates our lives, first in nightly newscasts then, in escalating levels, in many of our entertainment media. What was once thought too unseemly for broadcast is now quite commonplace. This has had the obvious effect of inuring us to the horrors of this world, to the point where it is difficult for some to empathize with the sufferings of their fellow human beings.

This culture of violence is a relatively new phenomenon, at least in its wholesale, all-encompassing nature. The last century’s two worldwide conflicts (World Wars I & II) provided a glimpse into man’s inhumanity towards his fellow man. Of course, the violence that is part & parcel to warfare has always been viewed as a necessary evil, especially when defending one’s nation. Indeed, this is exactly the prism through which WWII in particular was viewed. The United States was “deliberately and brutally attacked” without warning & thrust into war. We didn’t start it, but we surely finished it – with a couple of very large BANGS. But following the last “good” war, as it’s often referred to, the United States soon found itself again in a conflict…but this time it was a bit different. This time we were in a Cold War, a war of ideologies, twice punctuated with “hot” wars (or police actions? Conflicts?). No global clash. The clear-cut aims of the previous calls-to-arms were supplanted by a more amorphous ideological struggle where dogma took precedence over all else. Diplomacy began to take a seat further to the rear of the bureaucratic bus while violence or at least the threat of violence gained ever greater credence in the halls of government.

One could argue that Americans have always tended to be violent. The American “culture of the Gun” often springs to mind during most discussions of this facet of the American persona. This obsession with arms began out of necessity in the earliest days of this nation’s colonization. A firearm, usually a shoulder weapon of some sort, provided those early colonists and settlers with a means of protection as well as a tool for supplying sustenance. Indeed, during America’s War for Independence, the ability of local militia groups to be mustered from rank and file colonists armed with their own rifle, powder and shot was crucial. Once hostilities were ceased, these citizen soldiers went back to their day jobs, their normal existences: running their businesses, tending their crops, producing their wares. No large standing army was necessary, or even desired. A large standing military force, the type maintained by most European powers, was viewed by the populace as a potential threat to their newly bought freedom which could be used by their own government to curtail those freedoms if it so chose. Yes, this aversion towards a large peacetime military often caught the United States “flat-footed” when other nations challenged it. Even on the eve of WWII, the US military was in quite an unprepared state. Many months passed following the attacks of December 7th, 1941 before the United States was able to “catch up” and begin to turn the tide.

In the immediate post-WWII period, the United States again initially demobilized their vast military forces. With the advent of Cold War hostilities between the US & USSR that trend began to reverse. Throughout the 1950s the military-industrial complex grew in leaps and bounds. Large defense contractors like Grumman, Northrop, Lockheed, and General Dynamics began to take a more important place in the development of defense policy. Fast forward to the present and we see a large, professional standing military force outfitted by an equally large military-industrial complex. This, coupled with an increasingly aggressive foreign policy (a “kill-‘em-all, let-God-sort-‘em-out” mentality) makes for not just a more dangerous world, but over time it dulls our ability to see the use of violence as truly the last resort. Indeed, the Bush administration’s adoption of pre-emptive war, striking a devastating blow against a potential opponent has been the norm for the last 8 years rather than the exception. Diplomacy, discussing an issue with an adversary, has come to be viewed as effete and naïve. Why is this? Not that I advocate living in the past, but some of this country’s greatest gains, at least territorially speaking, have been achieved with the pen rather than the sword: the Louisiana Purchase, the acquisition of Alaska.

I think in the end we’re too lazy and apathetic. It’s often been said that it’s easy for "good" to be trumped by "bad". More often than not, doing the good thing – the right thing – requires us to go out of our way, expend more of our energy, time, and treasure in order to do it. Irish political philosopher, Whig politician, and statesman, Edmund Burke is said to have authored (though it is not documented) the following appropriate phrase: All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. Regardless of whether he was the originator of this pithy phrase, it is keenly insightful. Until the majority of us say with conviction and stoutheartedness, “enough!”, I’m afraid we are doomed to go the way of the Roman empire, to wallow in our decadence until finally we look up and realize that we’ve lost. Everything.

First Posting

2009-02-15T11:43:00.000-06:00

Sorry, folks, but I felt I should use something that I wrote many months ago as a lead-in...to give a little background on where it is I find myself. Look at it as an "introduction" of sorts.

v/r,

Dwayne

05 November 2008

Such an odd day yesterday. For at least a couple of reasons. First, the country took an incredible step forward in electing someone other than a white guy to the Oval Office. Sure, we're all told ad nauseum as children how "America is the land of opportunity, where any of you can grow up to be the President." Only, it's always seemed that this applies if you're at least white and male. But this year the stars aligned and we had not only a viable (as it turns out electable) African-American (don't really like that term, but...) candidate, but we also had a woman running for the highest office in the land. And she came very close to winning the nomination of her party. Who knows whether or not enough people would have viewed her as a better alternative to the grumpy old white guy to actually win?

For years we've heard it said (hell, I've even said it myself) that "this country's not ready for a _______ (fill it in: Black/Hispanic/Woman/etc) President." But I think we've gotten past that. Sure, the American electorate have always been and will likely continue to be subject to the posturing, "spinning" demagoguery that is habitually infused into any campaign (Thanks, Lee Atwater! Thanks, Karl Rove!). I guess when you get right down to it, we can all act like lemmings. But every now and then, something happens to make everyone collectively sort of snap out of it, to wake up and recognize when we're being lied to. I think that this is one of those times.

My satisfaction with this turn of events is dampened by another, more personal thing that occurred yesterday. Yesterday was the first day of a "trial separation" for my wife and me. Never in the 14 years I've known her, never in my life would I have remotely thought that I'd be doing this. I'm away from those I most treasure (my wife & two wonderful daughters) and the home that we created. For the better part of the day yesterday I just felt...lost. I found myself standing in the grocery store, not knowing what to get. Feeling as if the very tiles of the floor were shifting under my feet. Wanting to fall to my knees and bawl like a baby, but knowing I couldn't. Hell, I want to right now just writing this. I feel un-whole, not empty, but like a very substantial piece of me has been suddenly removed.

I don't know how this will end, whether or not this is the first step in the process that ultimately leads to divorce. Or whether it will serve to snap us both out of it, waking us up to what's truly important. I fervently hope and pray that we can find our way back to each other, so that we can be a loving, nurturing family again. Right now I guess that's all I can do. Not that prayer is a minimalist alternative. But for too long now I've tried to control nearly every aspect of my life - of our lives - and I'm finding my inability to have any effect on the outcome of this situation maddening. I'm certain that this is part of what I have to "work on" among my own issues. And difficult though it may be, I am getting a handle on it. And, however this ends up, I know I'll be okay. I'll get through it. I've always been comfortable, confident in being alone. It's just that I've already done that. I opted those many years ago to forego that lifestyle, choosing a bright, wonderful, loving woman to accompany me on life's journey. I'm not ready to go back to that lone man. I can do it, I guess. But I don't want to do it. I want my wife - my life - back.