First Posting

Sorry, folks, but I felt I should use something that I wrote many months ago as a lead-in...to give a little background on where it is I find myself. Look at it as an "introduction" of sorts.

v/r,

Dwayne

05 November 2008

Such an odd day yesterday. For at least a couple of reasons. First, the country took an incredible step forward in electing someone other than a white guy to the Oval Office. Sure, we're all told ad nauseum as children how "America is the land of opportunity, where any of you can grow up to be the President." Only, it's always seemed that this applies if you're at least white and male. But this year the stars aligned and we had not only a viable (as it turns out electable) African-American (don't really like that term, but...) candidate, but we also had a woman running for the highest office in the land. And she came very close to winning the nomination of her party. Who knows whether or not enough people would have viewed her as a better alternative to the grumpy old white guy to actually win?

For years we've heard it said (hell, I've even said it myself) that "this country's not ready for a _______ (fill it in: Black/Hispanic/Woman/etc) President." But I think we've gotten past that. Sure, the American electorate have always been and will likely continue to be subject to the posturing, "spinning" demagoguery that is habitually infused into any campaign (Thanks, Lee Atwater! Thanks, Karl Rove!). I guess when you get right down to it, we can all act like lemmings. But every now and then, something happens to make everyone collectively sort of snap out of it, to wake up and recognize when we're being lied to. I think that this is one of those times.

My satisfaction with this turn of events is dampened by another, more personal thing that occurred yesterday. Yesterday was the first day of a "trial separation" for my wife and me. Never in the 14 years I've known her, never in my life would I have remotely thought that I'd be doing this. I'm away from those I most treasure (my wife & two wonderful daughters) and the home that we created. For the better part of the day yesterday I just felt...lost. I found myself standing in the grocery store, not knowing what to get. Feeling as if the very tiles of the floor were shifting under my feet. Wanting to fall to my knees and bawl like a baby, but knowing I couldn't. Hell, I want to right now just writing this. I feel un-whole, not empty, but like a very substantial piece of me has been suddenly removed.

I don't know how this will end, whether or not this is the first step in the process that ultimately leads to divorce. Or whether it will serve to snap us both out of it, waking us up to what's truly important. I fervently hope and pray that we can find our way back to each other, so that we can be a loving, nurturing family again. Right now I guess that's all I can do. Not that prayer is a minimalist alternative. But for too long now I've tried to control nearly every aspect of my life - of our lives - and I'm finding my inability to have any effect on the outcome of this situation maddening. I'm certain that this is part of what I have to "work on" among my own issues. And difficult though it may be, I am getting a handle on it. And, however this ends up, I know I'll be okay. I'll get through it. I've always been comfortable, confident in being alone. It's just that I've already done that. I opted those many years ago to forego that lifestyle, choosing a bright, wonderful, loving woman to accompany me on life's journey. I'm not ready to go back to that lone man. I can do it, I guess. But I don't want to do it. I want my wife - my life - back.